Friday, February 29, 2008

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

The Muses sing...

~ Walking home I saw a leaf spinning across the snow, caught in a gust of winter wind.
Out of control, just going along with it. There was really no other option.
It danced and twirled, inseparable from the ecstasy. Pulled into something much bigger, deeper, stronger.
Ineffable. ~
~ From the life of Renee

Monday, February 25, 2008


So lately we've been going through a lot of case studies and research on the dissociative disorders, the most widely known being of course Dissociative Identity Disorder (or Multiple Personality Disorder as it used to be called). My most recent area of research being the correlation between childhood imaginary companions and the later development of DID alters.
Now it should be stated that basically all documented cases of DID showed absolutely horrific childhood abuse, usually including sexual. But not all abused children develop DID. The question is why? Back to the ICs.
For just about all disorders some predisposition is necessary. Combine that with just the right life stressor, or upbringing, or social position, or etc and "voila!" you have a psychological disorder. There is some evidence that children with DID, or a predisposition towards dissociation, tend to have/had many, enduring, and vivid ICs. The ICs also tend to take on roles beyond that of simple playmates. Typically complex, perhaps some with protector qualities, some even being malevolent in nature.
Now, all that is not to say that any child with lots of imaginary buddies is going to develop DID. Remember the combination thing. Really what this research is looking for are markers. If you find something that across the board points to children that have/will have dissociative disorders, you can identify/treat them. (A lot of adults with DID will suffer years without being properly diagnosed. It is not something that presents itself in an obvious manner, and it is most often accompanied by other disorders that may appear to be foremost, aka depression.) Children typically respond much better than adults to treatment in this particular area, not to mention the fact that if you can catch the process before it fully develops, less damage would be done. Maybe, maybe that child could have a normal life after that.
More research needs to be done.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Passion rules the games...

Free word association is an interesting concept. I'm gonna do some right now!
Immediately. Eternally. Deity. Power. Knowledge. Education. Pride. Esteem. Self. Autonomy. Emotion. Sensation. Life. Death. Black. Night. Star. Light. Enlightenment. Understanding. Acceptance. Speech. Occasion. Celebration. Joy. Friend. Comfort. Teddy bear. Animal. Love.
Gonna stop there.
How do you feel about anger? A certain amount of anger is a healthy thing. At some point it crosses a line, and that line is of course not in a nameable or permanent place. You also have the other extreme, in which the anger is continually repressed, no better for you in the long run than the former.
I think that there has to be a balance. Naturally that balance is something that each person has to find for themselves, but I think it is there. There's no reason to explode at every little thing, and sometimes you have to just let go of things out of your control (heck, even in your control in some cases). But you also can't live your life denying yourself feelings. It's not always easy to find the balance.
I'm workin' on it.
It. Ebay. Buy. Store. Keep. Retain. Teeth. Dentist. Doctor. Health care. Insurance. Security. Blanket. Warmth...

Monday, February 18, 2008

The day I lost you...

I feel your heart beat
If only I had known
Tearing you away from me
I think it was harder
For me than for you
I'm left alive to continue
How could you leave me
Death took your life
And my heart
I'd prefer
From the mind of Renee

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Of the sort...

~ I cradle myself and rock back and forth. Robert approaches and puts his arms around me, wrapping me in his comforting warmth.
"Are you okay, baby?" he murmurs into my ear. Tears slip down my face and I try to formulate a response.
"No. It hurts." That's all I can get out. Somehow he understands. Direct connection can do that for you. He holds me tighter.
His shirt is soft against my face and he smells faintly of cedar and spices. His lips brush my neck and I am momentarily distracted from my desire to cry.
His love, more aptly, his empathy, expunges the ache in my heart and it all comes pouring out, bidden or not.
He rubs my back as the silent tears run down, wetting my lips, tasting of salt and grief. I leave them to their fate.
He has no need to speak. He's already said it all without uttering a word.
~ From the mind of Renee

I very rarely write in the first person, but I think that sometimes it works. Provides a level of insight that would not otherwise be possible.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Pride goeth before the ball...

So the 77th annual Purdue Literary Awards are coming up here. Most of the categories are for poetry, and since the only poetry I've ever written has been largely accidental I don't have a huge chance of winning anything.
But, you've got no chance of winning if you don't enter, so I entered the snot outta that competition!
As I said, most categories were for poetry/prose, so I scrounged up a few things that could pass for that. Couple of categories for short stories. I entered some Jared, and chapters 8-12 I think of Knowing Andrew as a stand alone, couple other things. There was actually a category for novel-in-progress, but I just couldn't bring myself to make a definitive outline for the rest of Aiden to go with the 'script. I like that spontaneity too much.

We'll see how all of that goes for me.

Monday, February 11, 2008


~ Pulled aside by the Captain, I was rewarded with the worst possible news. We weren't going anywhere fast and the ship was outfitted with very little foodstuffs, as our journey was not meant to be a protracted one. We were, by necessity, off of the main shipping lines, so we were not likely to see any help soon.
There is no feeling of hopelessness like being stranded on an ocean.
I made my way back to my cabin, past all the clueless people gathered at the rails, just realizing we'd stopped and speculating amongst themselves as to why.
Confining myself to the seclusion of my berth I reviewed our options in my mind. The one thing that I could think of that was downright fortunate was that on board there was quite the military contingent in transport, with full survival gear. That should include some food and potable water, perhaps even a way to convert salt water into drinkable. I made a mental note to check into that.
Being non-conventional military, and not part of the general citizenry I guessed that I was now one of the only free-agents on board. At that point in time the thought gave very little comfort, seeing as we were all, quite literally, "in the same boat".
Several tasks in mind I grabbed a notebook and pen and left my cabin to find the Captain again. He turned out to be on the bridge, looking pensive, as one might expect. I boldly broke into his reverie.
"Captain, I've thought of several things that we should discuss as soon as possible," I said.
"Yes, I have as well, Mr. Cambridge. Shall we fight to decide who should go first?" The captain smiled weakly in an attempt to bolster his little stab at humor. I nodded for him to continue with his thoughts.
"First is the question of when and what to tell the passengers? I think they deserve to know what's going on, and they'll also need to know why everything is rationed, but should we tell them the whole, un-buffered truth?" he said.
I only had to think that one over for a moment.
"Yes. Chances are they'll hear something from the staff anyway. I'd prefer for a few of them to get a little crazy now than to have rumors coursing rampant through the ship later." The Captain nodded.
"Alright, I can see the logic in that. How shall they be told?" he asked of me. I had already considered my answer to that as well.
"You could make a general shipwise announcement for all passengers to return to their cabins, then we could go section to section and explain the situation to smaller groups. That way we might be able to better answer questions and escape the possibility of mass panic." He nodded his agreement again.
"And I can get Misters Cunningham and Farner, the first mate and bursar, to help us with that so we can get through the sections faster," he added. "But I'd like to address all of the crew first though, to alert them of what's happening, as well as so they can go ahead and get a start on some of the necessary tasks. First and foremost being the food and water rationing of course." The Captain had my wholehearted approval there, so we set to immediately...
~ From the mind of Renee

Perhaps a bit more on this later. Do you like it?

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Calling all clouds...

Last week I dreamed that I knew Richard Dean Anderson and we had tea together.
This week I dreamed that my 11 year old brother was still a baby and Stu's family came to one of my lectures with me.
Last night I dreamed that Roger Taylor brought a young (but very conscientious) elephant to my house, and it was curious about my horses.

I love my dreams.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

It all started....

...back in the summer of '07. Those were the days. It was hard living, tough times, but we knew the value of a dollar, and we were thankful to dig holes for a living! Eherm. Sorry, got to waxing a bit nostalgic there.
Anyway, last summer Ryan shared a bit of his extensive music collection with me, including several tracks from Queen albums. Since then evolution has taken place and I can honestly say that I believe I have morphed into a pretty hardcore Queen fan.
Big whoop, some of you may be saying, but let me continue. My saying that I am "into" any band is a pretty big deal. Mostly I evaluate music on a song-by-song basis, and the number of bands or artists that I can say I like across the board can be counted on one hand. Less than one hand.
I've not found a Queen song yet that I absolutely can't stand. I like some much more than others, granted, but none that I hate.
I've put a couple of music videos/concert clips into this post for you to watch. And by "a couple" I mean "I've narrowed it down to just six." Hey, don't play down the effort that that took. If you don't like one, go on to the next. That's kind of the beauty of Queen, they pulled off such an amazing range of styles. It helped that their lead singer, Freddie Mercury could sing just about anything and make it sound good.
And the guitarist, Brian May, built his own electric guitar with his dad. That is just awesome. Out of wood from an old mantle. More awsome.

Did you like those? Well of course you did. Here, I've linked a few more for you just because, well, I can:

The Miracle
These Are the Days of Our Lives
One Vision
Don't Stop Me Now
Save Me
I Was Born to Love You
Anyway, now I just need to get a couple of their albums.
And a poster. And a t-shirt. And a calendar...

Thanks Ryan.

~ Me: "Are you-"
~ Kyle: "Yes."