Stranded...

God it’s cold. Why is it so cold?

Crippling confusion swirls like thick fog in my mind. Like wraiths and demons, choking out logical cognition.

Synapses reconnect, neurons fire, the fog thins slightly.

“Can you hear and understand me?” asks a voice from the void above.

Yes, yes I can hear. I can understand; but how? I try to raise my head, open my eyes, voice my epiphany of consciousness, all to no avail. All that I manage is to crack open what I believe to be my lips and with tremendous effort vibrate my vocal cords in a tremulous and primal groan.

“Very good, Ms. Leyburn. You’re doing fine.”

Leyburn? Who is Ms. Leyburn? Where am I?

“You’ve suffered quite a lot of damage from the cryonic process that was used on you.”

Damage? What the hell is she talking about? Slowly memories begin to filter back in; small, disjointed, episodic visions of a life. My life? I try hard to make my eyes work, but the blackness persists.

“Unfortunately it is not damage that we can repair at this time.”

A brief image of an animal drifts through my mind. It is accompanied by the feeling of sunlight, soft golden-red fur against my face, the smell of leather and hay. A feeling of happiness. Contentment. I try to grasp the sensations but they fade all the faster for it, leaving a feeling of loss so intense that for a moment I forget my confusion.

So much grief. So much pain.

“What we have decided to do with cases such as yours, since we cannot viably re-freeze you without causing further damage, is to place you in suspended animation. You will have some level of consciousness, though for the purpose of preserving as much brain function as possible, we will stall the thawing process where it is at the moment and, as a consequence of that, consciousness of yourself and your surroundings will be limited to approximately what you are experiencing right now.”

Re-freeze me? I was frozen? That explains the cold. Why was I frozen?

“In case you are wondering, it is April eighth, 2541. Welcome back to life, Ms. Leyburn. Rest assured that we here at Burns and Levy CryoniTech Incorporated will do all that we can to ensure that your body and mind get the premier care that you paid for when you signed with us.”

I’m dead. I was dead anyway.

I don’t understand what the voice means by “damage”, but the fog seems to be lifting ever so slowly. There are memories there; I can feel them on the edges, just out of reach. With just a bit more time I’m sure that I’ll be able to see and understand them. They will fall into proper order and I will know who I was. Who I am. I just need to know, to think, to feel. Just need time, a little bit more time. My lips open, I strain to speak.

“Alright Ms. Leyburn, I’m putting you into stasis now. Sweet dreams.”

No.

As It Seems

~ Jeffrey Adams crawled out of the crater that he’d been using as a foxhole and peered around at the desolation; surprisingly even more nightmarish in the stark light of day. Not a thing stirred and as he let the ruined shards of his armor fall away from his body they clattered to the stony, decimated earth like gunshots. It was the only sound to be heard and Jeffrey winced.

He started to step away, but paused to look back. In his shocked state Jeffrey found in himself an almost crippling reticence to leave the bits of armor and the burrow that had shielded and protected his life through the long and terrible night. He dragged his gaze away from the ground and scanned the horizon for movement.

Nothing.

Scorched blisters marred the vast expanse of earth everywhere between the few mutilated skeletons of ancient trees that had somehow remained standing. They were gone now. It was all gone now.

“War ruins everything,” Jeffrey thought with surreal clarity. He finally pulled himself together as best he could, and moved off in a westerly direction. He had no reason for choosing to go west. He had no reason not to go west.

Deep within his body a handful of miniscule bots worked hard to control and repair organ and tissue damage, but it was a battle that was being slowly and inevitably lost. His armor had successfully shielded him from the first dozen hits before breaches began to occur. Tiny fissures and cracks grew with every subsequent blast, leaving his vulnerable body bare to the insidious waves of radiation. Particles too small and too fast to at first be noticed by the bots ripped through Jeffrey’s body, leaving paths of torn and shredded cells in their wake. This is what the bots noticed, and by extrapolation came to the conclusion that the body was under attack. They rushed to secure the function of the brain and other critical organs, but even as they did, heavily damaged cells were dying or mutating everywhere.

Mercifully, Jeffrey couldn’t feel any pain yet, and he continued to walk, staggering through the erstwhile battlefield, vacantly looking for other survivors on the way. The bots continually triggered the systems in his body to release enormous amounts of endorphins, attempting to keep his stress levels down. The hormones coursing through his body, added to the traumatic shock and lack of food, water, and sleep combined to leave Jeffrey disconnected and slightly giddy. He stumbled over an arm lying at the edge of a blast site and he inexplicably giggled.

“You’re a horrible person,” he told himself.

“I’m sorry, but I was ‘disarmed’ for a moment!” he responded in his mind. He snorted again and moved on, stepping over the body that corresponded to the arm, some eight feet away. There wasn’t much left of it. Jeffrey suddenly doubled over and began retching violently, his entire abdomen heaving. The bots had finally lost their hold on subduing his stomach and wave after wave of nausea and dizziness washed over him. Thick stomach acid, tinged red with blood, seared his throat as it was forced up from his otherwise empty belly.

After several minutes the nausea subsided just enough for Jeffrey to stand back up. It was integral that he find water, food, and medical help immediately but none of those things entered his delusional mind, so he simply continued to walk. All around him was vast, desolate emptiness and hours later, when he finally could walk no more, Jeffrey collapsed with his back against the still smoldering side of an unearthed boulder. His arms and legs trembled with false chills while his core temperature soared far beyond dangerously high. His hands were clammy and numb and bloody lesions had begun opening up on his skin.

Beyond his consciousness the bots prepared for their last stand. His body was fading fast. No one must capture the secrets of the state. Each bot, mindlessly triggered by the dying processes in Jeffrey’s body, prepared a tiny, but incredibly powerful detonating reaction within themselves. In perfect synchronization the microscopic bombs ignited. For a moment, just the briefest of moments, Jeffrey did feel pain. Inexplicable pain. But that subsided into nothingness soon enough. The bots were gone, taking with them every last thread of hope and leaving a surprisingly large amount of damage in the delicate body they had been charged with.

Jeffrey’s body slumped to the side, a single chilling groan escaping through parted lips as the weight of his dead mass forced the air in his lungs past his larynx. The secrets of the state were safe. There was no one left to try to capture them anyway. ~

Check it...

The good news is that I've been published on 365 Tomorrows again. The great news is that this one is actually good! Worlds better than the last. So much happier with this one.
Here it is in the archives: http://www.365tomorrows.com/12/06/shades-of-gray/
Hope you like it.

Here it is...

Today is the day. My submission is the daily story on 365 Tomorrows. And it is here in the archives.
I'm just so damn proud...

Desperation...

~ Churning, writhing,
destroying from the inside.
Is there no stopping it?
Killing me slowly, quietly,
like a horrid disease.
No cure for this one.
They say chin up.
Tomorrow is a new day.
But I know,
it will come back.
When I'm lying in the dark,
contemplating.
It approaches,
silently through the night,
slipping into me,
over me,
covering me,
choking me,
like a curse,
only more painful.
When will it end?
Maybe never. ~

~From the mind of Renee

Sound in silence...

Cut off, I'm left to wander.
Roaming the wasteland, looking for something.
Looking for peace of mind maybe.
Cut off by actions and lack thereof.
I had a hand in my isolation.
My loneliness is partially by my doing.
Cut off by silence.
And not just my own.
Is there anyone out there?

The Island...

~ I park beneath the Aspen tree that spills over the high, concrete retaining wall. Get out of my car and stand in the parking lot, nearly empty, breathing the damp, rain scented air. Droplets fall on my pad of paper and I feel that I could stay here forever.
Around me the sounds of traffic, behind me I hear a door open and a janitor beat the dust from a push broom. The droplets fall faster, bleeding the ink, wetting my hair. This should be uncomfortable. This should feel awkward.
The wind makes the branches above me, newly green with the fresh verdance of early summer, dip and sway. The Aspen, the touch of nature here, dances with the wind.
The rain falls harder.
The damp paper rues ink. ~
~ From the life of Renee

The essence of spring...

~ Lavender overflows the verge in a wave of delicate purple. The long buds of orange lilies bask in blissful sunlight atop tall stems, expectant, suspenseful. Will today be the day? Off to the side I find a small patch of tiny daisies, all but hidden among the taller plants. Are they waiting there for me? ~
~ From the life of Renee

As I may or may not have mentioned before, it's already time to register for summer and fall classes here. The class that I am probably the most excited about is Modern Ethical Theories. And as it so happens, I believe that one of my more favorite philosophy professors will be teaching it! Hoorah.

~ "Now don't put too much finger paint on them or it'll just soak right through." ~
~ Stu

The Muses sing...

~ Walking home I saw a leaf spinning across the snow, caught in a gust of winter wind.
Out of control, just going along with it. There was really no other option.
It danced and twirled, inseparable from the ecstasy. Pulled into something much bigger, deeper, stronger.
Ineffable. ~
~ From the life of Renee

The day I lost you...

~

I feel your heart beat

Strong

Steady

Reassuring

If only I had known

Waiting

Lurking

Diabolical

Tearing you away from me

Pain

Anguish

Isolation

I think it was harder

Darker

Bleaker

Lonlier

For me than for you

Alone

Adrift

Confused

I'm left alive to continue

Persist

Survive

Remain

How could you leave me

Death took your life

And my heart

I'd prefer

Death

~

From the mind of Renee

Of the sort...

~ I cradle myself and rock back and forth. Robert approaches and puts his arms around me, wrapping me in his comforting warmth.
"Are you okay, baby?" he murmurs into my ear. Tears slip down my face and I try to formulate a response.
"No. It hurts." That's all I can get out. Somehow he understands. Direct connection can do that for you. He holds me tighter.
His shirt is soft against my face and he smells faintly of cedar and spices. His lips brush my neck and I am momentarily distracted from my desire to cry.
His love, more aptly, his empathy, expunges the ache in my heart and it all comes pouring out, bidden or not.
He rubs my back as the silent tears run down, wetting my lips, tasting of salt and grief. I leave them to their fate.
He has no need to speak. He's already said it all without uttering a word. ~
~ From the mind of Renee

I very rarely write in the first person, but I think that sometimes it works. Provides a level of insight that would not otherwise be possible.

Inconvenient...

~ Pulled aside by the Captain, I was rewarded with the worst possible news. We weren't going anywhere fast and the ship was outfitted with very little foodstuffs, as our journey was not meant to be a protracted one. We were, by necessity, off of the main shipping lines, so we were not likely to see any help soon.
There is no feeling of hopelessness like being stranded on an ocean.
I made my way back to my cabin, past all the clueless people gathered at the rails, just realizing we'd stopped and speculating amongst themselves as to why.
Confining myself to the seclusion of my berth I reviewed our options in my mind. The one thing that I could think of that was downright fortunate was that on board there was quite the military contingent in transport, with full survival gear. That should include some food and potable water, perhaps even a way to convert salt water into drinkable. I made a mental note to check into that.
Being non-conventional military, and not part of the general citizenry I guessed that I was now one of the only free-agents on board. At that point in time the thought gave very little comfort, seeing as we were all, quite literally, "in the same boat".
Several tasks in mind I grabbed a notebook and pen and left my cabin to find the Captain again. He turned out to be on the bridge, looking pensive, as one might expect. I boldly broke into his reverie.
"Captain, I've thought of several things that we should discuss as soon as possible," I said.
"Yes, I have as well, Mr. Cambridge. Shall we fight to decide who should go first?" The captain smiled weakly in an attempt to bolster his little stab at humor. I nodded for him to continue with his thoughts.
"First is the question of when and what to tell the passengers? I think they deserve to know what's going on, and they'll also need to know why everything is rationed, but should we tell them the whole, un-buffered truth?" he said.
I only had to think that one over for a moment.
"Yes. Chances are they'll hear something from the staff anyway. I'd prefer for a few of them to get a little crazy now than to have rumors coursing rampant through the ship later." The Captain nodded.
"Alright, I can see the logic in that. How shall they be told?" he asked of me. I had already considered my answer to that as well.
"You could make a general shipwise announcement for all passengers to return to their cabins, then we could go section to section and explain the situation to smaller groups. That way we might be able to better answer questions and escape the possibility of mass panic." He nodded his agreement again.
"And I can get Misters Cunningham and Farner, the first mate and bursar, to help us with that so we can get through the sections faster," he added. "But I'd like to address all of the crew first though, to alert them of what's happening, as well as so they can go ahead and get a start on some of the necessary tasks. First and foremost being the food and water rationing of course." The Captain had my wholehearted approval there, so we set to immediately... ~
~ From the mind of Renee

Perhaps a bit more on this later. Do you like it?

Confrontation...

~ "Dude, just ask her out already! You like her, she seems to be okay with you...What's to lose?"
Robert rolled his eyes in unadulterated exasperation.
"Edwin Winger, we have been over this and I refuse to have this conversation again. I have my reasons, and you've heard most of them-"
"They're stupid ones," Ed muttered.
"You've heard most of them, and quite frankly I don't care if you don't like them. It's not you I'm trying to please. Do you think you could just back off a bit?" With a scathing look Robert turned away and headed for the door.
"Well then just who are you trying to please Rob?" Edwin called after him. "Cause it sure seems to me that you're something short of gleeful." Robert executed an about face and came back to stand in front of Ed without ever slowing. He leaned in close and spoke slowly, enunciating each syllable with painful deliberation, as if assuming the worst about Edwin's intellect.
"This is really none of your business. This is what I like to call "my business". Now I asked you to back off." There was silence for a long moment while the two men stared at each other. Edwin spoke.
"Alright already, I'll back off!"
"Good," Robert said.
"But I think you're making a mistake." Edwin murmured under his breath as Robert began to turn his back again.
"You're not really so much backing off, as not backing off!" snapped Rob.
"Okay, I'll exercise amazing levels of super-human restraint and I really will keep my thoughts and feelings all to myself. It'll be hard, but I'll give it my best. My lips are sealed. I'm done trying to convince you. I won't say anything else. Consider my opinion null and void." Robert's face softened a tiny bit and Edwin caught the barest hint of the beginnings of a smile trying to touch the corner of Robert's mouth.
"Thank you. I appreciate your sacrifice to the cause."
Ed waved his hand.
"Oh it was nothing! Anything for a friend," he said. Robert shook his head, and this time, actually did smile.
"Have I told you recently that I think you're a little off? A nice guy, but a little off."
"Yeah, what would you do without me?" ~
~ From the mind of Renee

Unknowable...

~ I cried.
I cried for my baby, my husband, my pain. I cried because crying was the only thing I could do.
Robert held me locked in his arms, rocking me gently, I only realized later, in time to his own sobs. I clung to him like he was my last hope.
I vaguely remember passing the afterbirth, a nurse gently removing my feet from the stirrups and covering me up. Either no one spoke to me, or I just don't remember it. My world consisted of my anguish, the unendurable ache consuming my heart. Robert's world brushed against mine and I knew his pain as well. I thought that it must be a blessing to die.
This should not be happening to me. This could not have happened to me. That putrid mass of flesh that my body had just so violently expelled could not have been my baby.
I stopped crying. The emptiness choked me. That was not my baby. More tears came where I thought I had none left. That was my baby.
My baby.
The pain dragged me down. I did not resist.
Robert cradled my limp body as a nurse slipped a sedative into my vein. I wondered briefly if they had anything that would dull his agony.
He lay me gently back on the bed and went, for the first and last time, to look at his son. I could still feel his body shaking against my breast.
Hell couldn't hurt this badly. ~

~ From the mind of Renee

Please comment. I need to know what you think of this.

For RTG...

This is something that I wrote at the beginning of spring semester and had not intended to share with anyone. It's still not an easy thing to face.
Waiting is the hardest thing on Earth to do.

I think I'll call it Aching Reprieve. Or perhaps The Price of Another Try.
~ I leave his office crying. Is it all joy? Certainly not. Celebrating the renewal of one dream but at the same time mourning the loss of another. Are the two even separable?
I am awash with unspeakable relief. I am distraught at the prospect of selling out for a second chance. How can I quit my dream? How can I not? The goal can lead to its own ruination.
I hadn't started crying until he gave me the good news. One word. I melt. After so very long on the razor's edge.
The darkness lifted, I glimpse the sun. A new twilight settles. I can hold back the tears no longer.
He tells me that I owe myself a second chance.
I still wonder if it's the subject or me.
Did I try hard enough? Was I just not giving my all?
Was the dream worth it?
Can I be happy?
And the doubt that lurks always in my mind:
Was I even capable of doing it?
Is this what I want? ~
~ From the life of Renee

I should pay Dr. Miller a visit...

As good as it gets...

~ It was Charlene Farrisworth's job to shush people, and she took great pride in that.
She'd gone to great lengths to become the stereotypical librarian. She'd dyed her hair gray, wearing it in a tight bun on the back of her head. She wore dowdy cardigans and tweed skirts. She wore bulky oxfords and thick glasses which she'd had to have specially made, her natural vision was 20/20. She was madly obsessive about her obscenely obsolete card catalog, going through it at least 5 times a week to check for misplaced or damaged cards.
Her favorite ritual of all though, was the stamping of the "date due" cards. At the front of her desk, in a neat semi-circle, stood all the required paraphernalia. Blank cards, manipulable rubber stamp, a fresh ink pad.
With relish (and taking her time, the patron could wait) Ms Farrisworth would reverently open the pad, double check the date on the stamp, gently ink it and then abruptly, and with a good measure of muscle behind it, brand the numbers on the virgin card. Tucking it lovingly and snugly into the pocket and snapping the book shut Ms Farrisworth would hand it to the patron, take on an almost disdainful tilt of the head and say her favorite line in all the world.
"That will be due back in 3 weeks." ~
~ From my world

He may never have seen me, but I had to explain it to everybody anyway...

Edit: Since I have gotten several comments from people thinking that this is a bit on the creepy side I have decided to write in a bit of an explanation for it.
This piece is not in any way meant to stand alone. It is actually part of a bigger scene in a much bigger story of which you regular readers know little, if any. The "I" in this story is not a stalker, she actually knows, and is in an intimate relationship with the man in question. This isn't the first time she's seen him butt naked. They will eventually marry, though in this scene that hasn't happened yet. The last line of the bit posted refers to the fact that no matter what happens (and it's a lot, believe you me) she will always remember him in that wild yet peaceful setting.
The reason this was posted as is rather then going into all that gory detail in the first place is because I have been lately trying to put special effort into creating not just a piece of writing, but inspiring a vivid picture in the reader's mind. I thought that this scene didn't do half bad in trying to attain that goal. It's very vivid in my mind at any rate.

~ I happened upon him as in a dream.

He lay on his stomach on the rock verge. His hair, lying in black curls against his neck, still damp from swimming, his clothes off to the side in a state of neat abandonment.

The afternoon sun, sifting through the lush canopy, splashed his body with yellow and green, glinting gold on droplets being pulled by gravity off the masculine contours. Slipping back to the earth from brown legs, caressing the smooth skin of back and arms.

Eyes closed, a look of infinite peace graced his lips.

Water turned gems hung on his dark eyelashes until they suddenly fell, losing their place due to some minuscule movement.

The smooth, sun-warmed stone seemed to cradle him, his lithe body fitting the surroundings so well that it appeared they'd been brought into existence together. They belonged to this place, quiet, savage, unmarred, wild, unknowably serene.

He began to stir and I backed into the protection of forest cover. I did not want him to know that I'd intruded.

He never saw me, but I'll always remember him. ~


~ From my world.

The falling out...

~ Wayne's face was getting redder in direct proportion to the escalating conversation.
"You're just jealous and you won't admit it!"
Ben, contrary to his usual composure during arguments, was remaining quite calm.
"What if I do admit it? That would prove you wrong."
Ben counted two beats of silence before Wayne seemed to decide that he'd actually heard right.
"What? How would that prove me wrong?"
"You said that I wouldn't admit that I was jealous, so if I did it would cast doubt on the rest of your argument as well."
This time there were at least four beats as Wayne glared at Ben's placid smile.
"No it wouldn't. That's stupid!"
Wayne turned on his heel and made for the door. Ben, always a fan of having the last word, murmured, "Says the loser."
He fancied he could see the carpet bunch up in front of Wayne as he skidded to a halt. He turned around very, very slowly.
"I'm going to walk out that door now and you're not going to say one more word because if you do I'm going to come back in here and I swear you'll wish I hadn't. Alright?"
Ben considered his options. Let Wayne go without finishing the argument in his favor or antagonize him further, possibly incurring the wrath of Debbie and making Wayne mad enough that he might not want to be friends anymore. Ben decided to let him go.
With at least a dozen rejoinders running through his head as he watched Wayne make his exit, that proved to be something easier said then done.
When the door was firmly shut and he had waited a minute for Wayne to leave earshot he reviewed his comebacks, chose the least mature of the lot, and yelled it at the empty room.
"Your mom!" ~
~ All mine

The tempest cometh...

~ The wind forced leaves, skittering and scraping, across the worn paving stones in big noisy gusts. It was these kinds of wind, you instinctively knew, that were the harbingers of great thunderstorms. The sky, clear blue just hours before, was rapidly growing dark. The pallid and reluctant sunlight had a gray-green tint to it. The scent of the air brought an unbidden and frightening thrill to the stomach.
The Tempest cometh. ~
~ All mine

I think most of you know that I love the internet. With the passion of a zealot. I love the access if gives me to resources that I'd have a hard time coming up with on my own otherwise. Wouldn't ya know then that my connection is down. Possibly due to some new and fantastically efficient breed of spyware which my poor computer just didn't have a snowball's chance of handling. This being the case I am now conducting all internet business that I have in a computer lab and am now going to try three different brands of virus scanner to see if we can't oust the little bugger. Oh technology, I hardly knew thee...

The dream quest...

~ Trepidation filled me as we neared the forest's boundary. I stared down the path, willing my eyes to adjust to the profound blackness within. Suspicion and fear lurked in shadow form.
I switched on my flashlight briefly, testing it. A short moment of reassuring brightness was followed by an almost imperceptible dimming. I didn't know who I was trying to fool, these batteries wouldn't last long.
The path dipped close to the water, well worn, but disconcertingly rutted. This had to be done.
I stepped into darkness's embrace. ~
~ From my world