Thursday, August 30, 2007

For RTG...

This is something that I wrote at the beginning of spring semester and had not intended to share with anyone. It's still not an easy thing to face.
Waiting is the hardest thing on Earth to do.

I think I'll call it Aching Reprieve. Or perhaps The Price of Another Try.
~ I leave his office crying. Is it all joy? Certainly not. Celebrating the renewal of one dream but at the same time mourning the loss of another. Are the two even separable?
I am awash with unspeakable relief. I am distraught at the prospect of selling out for a second chance. How can I quit my dream? How can I not? The goal can lead to its own ruination.
I hadn't started crying until he gave me the good news. One word. I melt. After so very long on the razor's edge.
The darkness lifted, I glimpse the sun. A new twilight settles. I can hold back the tears no longer.
He tells me that I owe myself a second chance.
I still wonder if it's the subject or me.
Did I try hard enough? Was I just not giving my all?
Was the dream worth it?
Can I be happy?
And the doubt that lurks always in my mind:
Was I even capable of doing it?
Is this what I want?
~
~ From the life of Renee

I should pay Dr. Miller a visit...

2 comments:

The Drewcifer said...

I think we've all been there. I know I'm very much torn between my two strengths every day.

luckeyfrog said...

This was very well-written. I can guess at what it might be about, but I can't be sure.

Just know that big decisions are rarely easy for anyone, and that you have a lot of friends who are completely willing to be there for you as much as you can let them.

I definitely have a few skeletons in my notebook that I haven't shared with anyone, too, but thanks for having the courage to share this. :)